So I know I’ve been absent for a few weeks and I’ve gotten all of your questions….
- Yes, I am alive
- Yes, I do think I’ll be okay
- I love you all too and will be there for all of you the same where you’ve all been there for me.
In truth, being on here serves as almost a solemn reminder. All of the “I love you” messages along with the poems and stories he wrote just converge on me like emotional shrapnel. When you lose someone who you were so close with as to love them it’s difficult as many people know. It’s silly but up until recently I carried a journal and at points in the day when I would normally talk to Madison I would write him letters instead. I have must of written something along the lines of eighty letters or so. Today I decided it was time to read through my own letters. Some of which were so sweet and profound. Messages of hope and progress. However, most were from a dark and emotionally painful place. I’m starting to adjust to a life without Madison. No matter how heartbreaking it is to lose the man who called me his love, time serves as it’s own remedy.
I left work early today Madison.
I just couldn’t take it. I was so proud of myself getting ready this morning and carrying on. Then as I got to work and people said their condolences and gave their embraces I soon became unraveled. I’m surprised I managed to keep myself upright as I tried so desperately to hold back the force behind my tears. Once I got home it began to rain. It’s rained here with me everyday since you’ve left. I know how you always loved the rain. There were so many rainy days where we would talk for endless amounts of time. People often mention how after a loved one has died that they feel them surrounding them. Aside from you rain I have yet to feel you. I’ve even been devoid of you in my dreams which is really heartbreaking. It’s like you’ve left me completely aside from my ring you gave me. I really don’t know where to go from here.
Madison, I just don’t know if I can get on without you.
You would talk to me almost daily. You made my life. Made me feel beautiful. You told me you loved me and not only made me believe it but made me live for it. When I found out I was sick and possibly with limited time before major actions had to be taken I was so scared but, you were there for me. You told me no matter what you would be there for me and that we would get through this together. I don’t know what to do now. I haven’t stopped writing these letters to you. Even though it’s been a short amount of time you’ve been gone I feel as though I’ve written a novel to you. Things you unfortunately will never read. You used to send me the poems of great men. Tell about the songs that made you think of me. Now I have to learn to go on without that. Nobody will ever replace you for me….mon petit chou.
